GREG GUTFELD: Los Angeles Unified is more focused on National Coming Out Day than reading, math scores

Fall is upon us and the kids are back in class. Finally, I have the skateboard park to myself, so I can rollerblade shirtless. 

So what is the L.A. Unified School District doing? Focusing on reading, writing and ducking gunfire? Nope. 

They're gearing up for National Coming Out Day next week, where the ABCs get replaced by the LGBTs. There's nothing wrong with coming out, of course. Coming out of the closet implies you live indoors, so we're already one step ahead of many Californians and Jamie Lissow. 

But yeah, L.A. schools are planning a week of action, and they do mean action. The district has sent an 11-page toolkit to elementary school teachers with lesson plans focusing on identity and intersectionality. Of course, none of this was sent to the parents, God forbid they might know what's being fed into their kids' brains. 

But like everything, the parents are always the last to know. It's part of California's Fair Education Act, which forces schools to include lessons on social movements and the history of people of color, disabilities and LGBT people. Fine, but listen to this plan, which is designed for 6- to 10-year-olds. 

As Heather Mac Donald at City Journal explains: At the week of action start, "teachers should engage kindergarten and first-grade students in discussions about identity, aided by" an activity called an "identity map." Wait, having to read a map? That's already unfair to the female students.

ANNOUNCER: A sexist would say!

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But it's not that kind of map. Here, pupils chart their experiences of discrimination or privilege along 12 axes, including race, gender identity, sexuality, mental health and body size. 

That does sound complicated, but also a little evil. Kids enter a class full of energy and curiosity, and you turn them into a bitter victim, itemizing their grievances, grievances they don't even have yet. So they spend their time looking at experiences of discrimination and privilege. They're maybe 6 years old, for Christ's sake. 

They just learned how to make a boom-boom in the toilet a week ago. And what discrimination exactly? "Mommy, they picked me last to play patty cake because I have boogers in my fingernails."

What privilege? What kind of privilege should a 6-year-old cite? The ability to fart and make everyone laugh instead of everyone looking at you like a monster? 

And what about body size? They're so young, they haven't had time to become fat yet. But apparently this mapping allows 7-year-olds to see themselves through the lens of intersectionality. 

Teachers then post the identity maps on the wall for a class discussion about students' multiple identities. Yeah, multiple identities. We're turning healthy kids into schizophrenics. They walk into classes themselves, and they leave as Mr. Hyde. I thought that was funny. 

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Anyway, so why are first-graders learning this crap? Do they really need to know what cisgender means or gender binary or intersex or pansexual? AP class used to stand for advanced placement, now it's an advanced pervert. 

But here's why: It's what activists want them to learn because they know it's not organic, or else you wouldn't need to artificially create and then enforce it. But if all that crap seems pretty advanced for an 8-year-old, it's even worse when you look at the L.A. school system's test scores. 

They're lower than Nancy Pelosi's boobs. Terrible. Yeah. Less than half of L.A. students meet English language standards and only one-third meet math standards. 

Remember when they falsely claimed you can't say gay in Florida? Well in L.A., they can't spell it. Hell, they can't even spell L.A. 

Forget about English as a second language, these kids don't know it as a first language, and they're way behind at basic skills they're going to need just to survive, making them perfect fodder for a new world of looting, shooting and voting Democrat. 

So forget about kickball, that's just oppressive. And don't even think about giving the little brat some crayons so they can trace their hand and turn it into a turkey. That would lead to a discussion about how that celebrates colonizers and meat-eaters, and ablests with all five fingers. Besides, they want your kids to use their hands for other things.

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At this point, we have only one hope for the future: youthful rebellion. Every generation resists the indoctrination of the one before it, and with any luck, this generation of kids will be no different — just as the punks rejected the hippies and the goths rejected the jocks and Joe Biden rejected his granddaughter. 

Maybe they'll rebel against all this gender lunacy and all these efforts to gaslight them into believing boys and girls are interchangeable. They'll scoff at nonsense like gender-affirming care and birthing person, and chest-feeding will go back to its intended meaning: eating fish off a naked woman in a high-end sushi place. 

They'll do what kids have done since time began: They'll hate their teachers. I sure did, and look where I am now.

Take that, Mrs. M... I got two shows, and you're still buried under my mom's garage. So why bother teaching them anything at all if we're teaching this stuff that puts them in an emotional hole of confusion? 

Math and English is not going to help them when they're dying their hair purple and changing their name to the chemical symbol for magnesium. But hey, you can't miss what you never had.

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In education, if ignorance is bliss, America will become the happiest place on Earth.

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