Greg Gutfeld: The higher the stakes, the more Biden screws up

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Gutfeld reacts to media praising Biden's regime-change speech

Greg Gutfeld responds to the White House backtracking Biden's comments critics said referred to regime change in Russia.

When I was a kid, I had a dog named Chipper. It was a miniature schnauzer that looked like a tiny German general with mange. 

You know, think Wolf Blitzer, but with a collar? 

The dog drove me crazy because we lived on a street between a park and a busy street full of fast cars. And whenever the dog got out, you think it would run to the park to pee or poop, you know, like vagrants and Democrat-run cities.

But no, it always ran up the street towards the traffic. And as kids would have to race after him and risk our lives trying to scoop the mutt out of harm's way. It was a weird habit. When offered options to pick the worst one, which seems to be a president's problem. 

Instead of taking a quiet walk to the park, he just loves to run right into traffic and scream "World War III."

JOE BIDEN: We will have a different future, a brighter future rooted in democracy and principle, hope and light of decency and dignity of freedom and possibilities. For God's sake, this man cannot remain in power.

Yes, he just said, "For God's sake, this man cannot remain in power." 

BIDEN ASSERTS PEOPLE LIKE PUTIN ‘SHOULDN’T BE RULING COUNTRIES,' BUT US POLICY IS NOT REGIME CHANGE

And sadly, he wasn't talking about himself. He literally brought up regime change, pushing the war into a new phase where our president just validated exactly what Putin was thinking. 

He may as well have said, "We're nuking Russia next week unless they do it first." 

Thanks, Joe. 

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As we inch closer to negotiations, we just took a giant step back. It's like being on the one-yard line and you get a ten yard penalty for holding. That's baseball cat. 

Now, I thought our policy wasn't to topple Putin. 

For us, toppling regimes has worked out about as well as dating a stripper, at least for the people I dated when I was stripping. 

RUSSIA INVADES UKRAINE: LIVE UPDATES

Biden threw gas on the fire and at six bucks a gallon, that's really wasteful. If only someone had warned him. 

GREG GUTFELD LAST WEEK ON ‘THE FIVE’: I think the one thing he's got to say, this is where my expertise comes in. Stick to one essential truth. The invasion was a clear violation of international law and don't bring up regime change. 

Yes. Who got Brad Pitt to be on "The Five?" Oh, that was me. They should change the name of the show to the 10. Am I right? Because that's what I am. Right, Martha? 

But maybe that's a question only the pope can answer. 

President Joe Biden speaks at the National League of Cities Congressional City Conference, Monday, March 14, 2022, in Washington. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky) (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)

The funny part watching the media proclaim how forceful Joe had been in his regime change talk, only to watch it get walked back like an escaped prisoner being returned to his cell. 

MSNBC: What a powerful speech that we just heard from President Biden there. 

CNN: The speech was really, really well done, and it touched on several strategic points.

CNN: That line there at the end directly to Putin, I think is the standout line from that entire speech, Wolf. 

CNN: Yeah, he made it clear he wants Putin gone. 

CNN: Certainly critical, certainly the message that he wanted to deliver here tonight. But that call at the end in terms of President Putin, that that was something. No question about it. 

CNN: Obviously, those words, this man cannot remain in power. Very, very strong words.

Yeah, so strong in fact, they had to be erased in a panic. A Biden aide said, "The president's point was that Putin cannot be allowed to exercise power over his neighbors in the region. He was not discussing Putin's power in Russia or regime change." 

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So Joe just forgot to say all of that. Now it's bad enough this administration is telling us what we can and can't say now. They're telling us what we did and we didn't hear. 

Here's Joe trying to walk back his own words. 

JOE BIDEN: I want to make it clear I wasn't then, nor am I now articulating a policy change. I was expressing more outrage that I feel I make no apologies for. 

All right. But that came after something else he said that was kind of pointless. 

JOE BIDEN: You're in the midst of a fight between democracies and oligarchs. … We're going to prevail. Our democracy is going to prevail and the values we share, our autocracies going to prevail. And that's really what's at stake. So what you're doing is consequential, really consequential. 

OK. How does this matter to the rest of the world? It only matters to us, and it doesn't shorten the war. It only suggests that the war has a bigger mission for us, like it means more to us than it does to them. 

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But does it? 

If only someone had warned him about this. 

GREG GUTFELD ON ‘THE FIVE’ WEDNESDAY: The invasion was a clear violation of international law. Don't start talking about protecting liberal democracies because places like China and Russia, they don't draw that line. It’s not that important to them, but they do understand violation of international law. You can't get around that statement. 

Who is that sexy beast? Someone should give that guy a late night show. But there were other gaffes. 

REPORTER: Sir, deterrence didn't work. What makes you think Vladimir Putin will alter course based on the action you've taken today? 

JOE BIDEN: Let's get something straight. Do you remember if you covered me from the very beginning, I did not say that. In fact, the sanctions would deter him. Sanctions never deter. You keep talking about that. Sanctions never deter. 

Well, then what's their point? Are sanctions like aromatherapy, where we just pretend it works, but it just stinks up the place? And then there's this:

JOE BIDEN: Ukrainian people have a lot of backbone, a lot of guts, and I'm sure you're observing them. And I don't mean just the military and you're going to see when you're there and have you been there, you're going to see you're going to see women, young people stand on stand in the middle of a damn tank. Saying I'm not leaving. I'm holding my ground. 

You’re going to see when you’re there. Biden puts his foot in his mouth more than a marooned cannibal. 

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Now, maybe no one takes what Joe says seriously. Maybe the world leaders see our president like Forrest Gump. They laugh and take advantage of them. 

But this old dog leaves so many messes on the carpet. If only there was a product that could take care of that once and for all. 

SATIRE JEN PSAKI: I am so sick of cleaning up these messes. There's got to be a better way. 

NARRATOR: Well, then we've got a scoop for you introducing the White House pooper scooper for when the president makes a mess of things perfect for when your boss is talking s---

JOE BIDEN: For God's sake. This man cannot remain in power.

NARRATOR: Or engaged in pissing contests. 

REPORTER: And to clarify on chemical weapons could if chemical weapons were used in Ukraine, would that trigger a military response from NATO?

JOE BIDEN: It would trigger a response in kind. 

NARRATOR:  It even works on verbal diarrhea.

KAMALA HARRIS: Talking about the significance of the passage of time. Right. The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time. 

NARRATOR: Eighty one million people can't be wrong. Order yours today. Shipping may take 12 to 14 months due to supply chain issues. 

So the White House saw this trip to Brussels as a way to boost the president's sagging numbers. They  all these photo ops eating pizza with troops, holding a refugee child - thank God there was no hair sniffing - and meeting with other so-called world leaders. 

BIDEN SAYS PUTIN ‘CANNOT REMAIN IN POWER’ AS HE ASSURES UKRAINE: ‘WE STAND WITH YOU’

But really, if you wanted to enhance his status, he's just should have stayed home and dated Pete Davidson. 

It's sad. Joe's been in politics for over five decades. Six if you count his first year as president, he was a Vice President for eight men to a lot of countries, met all the players and of course, knows Ukraine like the back of Hunter's laptop. 

But in politics, the longer you're in it, the dumber and more detached you become. It's the only profession where experience counts against you. 

And the higher the stakes, the more Biden screws up. 

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Look, we know Putin violated international law and follows it with bombing the crap out of Ukraine. So why help him at home by indulging his fears? 

It's just like telling Jesse Waters he's losing his hair. It only makes him angrier. 

This article was adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the March 28, 2022 edition of "Gutfeld!"