Gutfeld: From coast to coast our schools are toast

I know. I know. I know the feeling. I totally understand it. I understand it, but you need to control yourself. There's only one of me. Happy Thursday, everyone. So from coast to coast, our schools are toast. Yes, it's time once again for...

ANNOUNCER: Our education system sucks!

It's funny, because it's spelled incorrectly. Have you heard about equitable grading? I hadn't, because I'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school. They still refuse to believe I really do drive an ice cream truck. But school districts around the country are buying into this crap, even though many teachers aren't. They think it's as shady as a gynecologist who works out of his garage. 

Okay, so what's equitable grading, really? Well, the grading scale begins at 50% instead of zero. That means if you deserve a D, that extra leg up makes it a B or a C. Picture Joy Behar, I'm sorry, but she's stepping on a scale, all right, were zero is actually 150 pounds, voilà she only weighs 160 instead of 310. That's equity. Meanwhile, homework is played down and kids are given multiple chances to complete the same assignments and the same tests. Because if at first you don't succeed, you're probably a dumb ass. 

DC TEACHER RIPS EQUITY GRADING, 'NO-ZERO' POLICY FOR UNLEASHING 'CHAOS' ON SCHOOL

Grading for behavior is now banned, which includes attendance. The good news in Chicago schools, you can't stab a teacher without a permission slip. So think about what that tells a kid. It used to be half the battle showing up, but now you don't even have to do that. And when there is no deadlines for assignments, who cares if you don't do it? You create a crazy bizarro world where goofing off is rewarded, efforts punished and Don Lemon still employed. Good luck finding hirable people in a few years. For qualified applicants, you're going to have to look elsewhere like death row. 

Proponents of this trash argue that traditional grading methods favor kids with a stable home life. In other words, it's just more White privilege. But with this kind of effed up education, good luck learning anything. But at some schools, that might be a good thing. A Vermont elementary school will no longer use the words male or female when teaching fifth grade students sex ed. In a letter to parents, officials at Founder's Memorial explained that the changes reflect a desire to use more gender inclusive language and will now use person first language 

So a boy or male will be replaced by a person who produces sperm and girl or female will be replaced by a person who produces eggs, which in Vermont used to be known as a farmer. But you know, why stop there? Maybe instead of calling them school administrators, let's call them ---- who produce ----. Of course, a person who produces sperm is male and I'd show you, but this furniture isn't scotch guarded. And I don't know what you mean. And a person who produces eggs is female. That's why we use the terms male and female. You simplify language with labels, so you don't need to include their characteristics every time. 

I mean, imagine if you applied this moronic logic to other words. Instead of saying car, you have to say large metal object that goes vroom vroom. Instead of gun, we say scary thing that goes bang bang. And instead of President Biden, we say, old man who goes boom, boom, behind a tree. Everything, will become moronic word salad, which I guess is why Kamala supports it.

VIRGINIA TEACHERS FIRE BACK AFTER SCHOOL DISTRICT MULLS IMPLEMENTING MORE ‘EQUITABLE SYSTEM’

VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS: I think it's very important, as you have heard from so many incredible leaders for us at every moment in time, and certainly this one to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment as it relates not only to the past but the future.

You know, that's some bad weed, generally when people get high. They actually have some interesting thoughts. Not her. 

Speaking of gibbering idiots in Washington State, a school district plans to cut music classes because they feel it promotes White supremacy, culture and significant institutional violence. Yeah, it's the Dave Matthews Band that's causing all those drive bys in Chicago. Says that black kids are getting beaten with oboes and tubas. The school board member claims kids need to miss core instruction to attend music classes, which is just another sign of inequity dreamed up by the White man. Listen to this crud.

SCHOOL BOARD DIRECTOR SCOTT CLIFTHORNE: We're a school district that lives in, is entrenched and is surrounded by White supremacy culture.... There's nothing about strings or wind instrumental music that is intrinsically White supremacist. However, the ways in which it is and the ways in which all of our institutions, not just schools, but local government, state government, our churches, our neighborhoods inculcate and allow White supremacy culture to continue to be propagated and cause significant institutional violence are things that we have to think about carefully as a community.

What the ---- did you just say? Seriously. My God. Everything, everything inculcates White supremacy. Talk about a wind instrument. How about I stick a flute up your ass? You sick bastard. Yes! Wait. Sorry. That's institutional violence with the wind instrument. So whenever you think education has reached peak absurdity, something else comes along and says, 'hold my eraser.' As for positive habits like working hard or showing up and being on time. That might as well be an internship with the Ku Klux Klan because it's just more White privilege, they'll say. Even though it's truly racist to think minority kids need those kinds of excuses. 

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I feel for parents both Black and White. How do you navigate this crap? But who needs musical instruments when it's too much fun watching Mom and Dad getting played?