GREG GUTFELD: Biden is ignoring the train derailment in Ohio

Yes. Happy, happy, happy Thursday everyone! Oh, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Put your clothes back on. So the fallout from the train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, is just getting started and like Joy Behar's face, it's looking worse and worse by the day. It's shaping up to be a classic Biden era disaster, toxic, preventable and completely off the rails. Although in that family, a controlled burn is what Hunter feels when he pees. 

Town hall there erupted as citizens vented their anger about their health concerns over the handling of the derailed toxic train, which had the media asking really important questions like, why aren't they wearing masks? Did they get their boosters? Even their mayor was ripping into the train company like Ana Navarro into a bag of Mallomars. Roll it.

OHIO MOM SOUNDS THE ALARM ON AIR QUALITY IN EAST PALESTINE: "WE'RE STILL BEING POISONED"

MAYOR TRENT CONAWAY: Everybody's concerned. I'm concerned.

REPORTER: When is the last time you spoke with Norfolk Southern?

MAYOR TRENT CONAWAY: I speak with them every day... They've been working with us tremendously, but they should, because they're the ones who screwed this up.

RESIDENT 1: No one knocked on my door and I live 50 feet from the police station. Why didn't sirens go off?

RESIDENT 2: I went down to 170, and I took a breath of that **** into my lungs and I thought I was going to die.

RESIDENT 3: Why are people getting sick if there is nothing in the air or in the water?

UNKNOWN VOICE: I don't know what to do about providing further assurance or...

RESIDENT 4: Stop lying to us!

So where's our top leaders in all this? Well, President Biden spoke about railroad projects in Ohio on Wednesday but ignored the situation in Ohio. What a mistake, that's like him giving a speech on Alzheimer's while not wearing any pants. Meanwhile, we know Transportation Secretary Mayor Pete has been slow to react, but who knows, he's still grappling with postpartum depression. This guy is as useless as **** Rachel Levine. 

EAST PALESTINE, OHIO RESIDENTS ‘UNEASY’ ABOUT TOXIC CHEMICALS AFTER RETURNING HOME: ‘IT’S SCARY STUFF HERE'

He didn't show up despite being invited by Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson. Maybe he was boycotting roads since they were built by white construction workers, but he did tweet about it, of course, blaming Trump, conveniently forgetting he's been secretary of transportation since 2021. Something the rest of us wish we could do, too. Seriously, this guy is the most famous transportation secretary ever. And why? Because he sucks harder than Brian Stelter on a duck fat Slurpee. 

Which brings me to tonight's thought experiment. No, keep your clothes on audience for now, anyway, because it's time to play.

ANNOUNCER: Greg's Reverse or Opposite Parallel whatever Universe Day.

Doesn't even try anymore. So what if all this were happening under a Republican administration? How would the media react? Roll it, Sven.

CNN 2019: This in some ways is worse than Watergate.

MSNBC 2021: It's worse than 911.

CNN 2021: In effect a second kind of civil war.

CNN 2018: Worse than Watergate.

CNN 2022: A second civil war. That's a phrase that should frighten you.

OHIO MAYOR FURIOUS WITH NORFOLK SOUTHERN AFTER TRAIN DERAILMENT: 'WE’RE GOING TO HOLD THEIR FEET TO THE FIRE'

Well, it would if we were as **** stupid as you. He's from CNN, so what can you say? Imagine that place under a rightie president.

VOICE 1: This is how the apocalypse starts.

VOICE 2: Yeah. It's not going to be zombies it's going to be Republicans and their damn trains.

VOICE 1: If Biden we're president, he would never ride a train.

VOICE 2: I mean, clearly, Donald Trump derailed those trains using his telekinesis powers.

VOICE 1: If Elon Musk hadn't bought Twitter, those trains would still be on their tracks.

VOICE 2: And now Earth's got about three weeks left so thanks GOP.

OHIO TRAIN DERAILMENT CAUSES MASSIVE FIRE, FORCES VILLAGE EVACUATION

And of course, the Democrats, they would lose their **** ****. And that's hard for them to do because they're full of so much of it, that's better. I can already hear their screams. AOC would say, "that's more toxic than a man holding a door open for me." Adam Schiff will say, "it's all a plan by Trump to send smoke signals to Putin and yes, I have proof of that." And Liz Warren would say, "how?" And of course, Stormy Daniels would say, "the mushroom cloud reminds me of something, but I can't remember what." What of our celebs? How would they react?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: It's just the worst thing because it hurt so many people.

MICHAEL MOORE: What's going on here... This is, it's wrong and this is no laughing matter.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Has absolutely terrified me.

ACTOR: We don't matter. We don't matter.

TOM HANKS: So when that stuff happens, I do, in fact, go absolutely berserk.

ALEC BALDWIN: Anyway, enough.

BIDEN ADMIN INSISTS OHIO AIR IS SAFE AFTER CHEMICAL EXPLOSION SPARKS FEARS

But now it's under Joe Biden, and what do you hear? Crickets and not the ones they snack on at CNN. You heard nothing, really, until local news posted clips on Twitter and people started to take notice. Without that, would we even have known? This is another kind of controlled burn. The media trying to destroy evidence that the administration is screwing up on a daily basis. It's like the balloons, without all those citizens sharing videos of them flying over their neighborhoods, would Biden have even responded? Thanks to cell phones, eyewitness news has literally become that and how about the scourge of fentanyl, without local news and citizens piping up about it, after two years, Joe finally mentions its name, fentanyl. 

Unfortunately, he was trying to say Donut. How about the homeless crisis at the Chicago airport? Maybe if they were wiping their asses with classified documents, but otherwise, no one cares. And how frustrating for those homeless people to be that close to escaping Chicago. What about school boards green lighting certain curriculums that no sane parent would ever approve of? Again, in all these cases, it's the locals that get the national attention, while the leftie leaders in charge consistently downplayed the bad over and over again.

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But who knows? Maybe one day they'll stop passing the buck and step up and take responsibility. Yeah, and on that same day, they'll ask me to host the Oscars.