Jim Daly: What is a 'date night' and why do you and your spouse need one?

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If you are like a lot of couples, the trajectory of date nights in your relationship looks like a downward slope. Before marriage, you spend inordinate amounts of time together and much of it is quality one-on-one interaction.

I met my wife, Jean, at a mutual friend’s wedding. Our dating life prior to marriage was lots of fun. We went on all kinds of adventures together filled with wonderful conversations and discovery.

Even after we got married, we loved our dinners out, and our foot-loose and fancy-free lifestyle enabled us to travel and see the world together. But when our boys arrived – a joyous event - our schedules became drastically less flexible, and date nights flew out the window.

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While the children were babies, Jean and I were often sleep-deprived and exhausted from caring for needy kids. Without a second income, the budget also tightened. Date night was not on our radar.

Then, as the kids grew up, extracurricular activities and busy school schedules depleted most of our downtime. I travel a lot for my job and spend many evenings on the road with colleagues. When I finally have that rare night home, going out is often the last thing on my mind.

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So, I understand why many couples believe a regular date night is untenable. For one, it takes planning – hiring a reliable babysitter, planning dinner reservations and finding something meaningful and interesting to do. Some parents may even feel like going out without the kids is indulgent.

But you know what? One of the very best gifts you can give your kids (and yourself) is a strong relationship with your spouse. In fact, research tells us that 92 percent of couples who make “date night” a priority have increased satisfaction in their relationships.

One of the very best gifts you can give your kids (and yourself) is a strong relationship with your spouse.

Based on temperaments and likes and dislikes, “date night” will look different for each couple. But my colleague Dr. Greg Smalley, who regularly counsels husbands and wives, advises that the practice should contain four primary characteristics.

Your dating life with your spouse should be:

• regular - not every 3 months 
• have variety – break out of your rut 
• have some adventure in it – keep it exciting
• enjoyable -- make sure it’s fun.

Having a meal together or going to a movie or concert is a traditional component of a date night, but there’s no tried and true formula. Don’t think you have to break the budget, either. You could go to the library together or take a stroll through a park. Visit your favorite store – even just to look and dream together. Pack a picnic, play a game of tennis or a round of miniature golf.

The whole point of going out is to reconnect and recreate together. Even the word recreate is instructive. It’s from the Latin recreatus, and it means to “refresh or restore in body or mind.”

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When you’re with your spouse, resist the urge to check your phone. Be present. Deep and meaningful conversation doesn’t instantly happen, of course. If you haven’t “gone there” for a long time, it might take a few attempts. Ask questions and follow his or her responses. I’ve found that the more interest I show in Jean’s answers, the deeper she’ll go in sharing with me.

Whatever the challenges you may face in your relationship, I’m here to tell you that establishing a regular date night is well worth the investment. It may take effort, creativity, budgeting and intentionality – but the benefits far exceed the costs, and the reward you will reap is a happier life and a stronger marriage.

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