Greg Gutfeld: Cassidy Hutchinson testified before the January 6 Committee about something she 'didn't see'

So about that steering wheel story. It was a bombshell, all right, minus the shell part, just like all those other anti-Trump bombshells. 

At the Jan 6 hearing yesterday, a star witness no one ever heard of testified about something she didn't see, which right there makes her testimony as legitimate as smoke signals from Liz Warren. So what's the gist? That is then President Donald Trump was being driven back to the White House after the January 6 rally. He demanded the car pull over, so he could snack on an injured dog on the side of the road. Yeah, it was a Pekinese, which he then slathered in ketchup and devoured with his bare bloody hands. Donald Jr. was laughing in the back seat. Yeah, well, she was told that anyway. 

Actually, she was told that on the way to the rally, Donald Trump stripped naked, declared himself the King of Siam, and then proceeded to randomly type out all of Shakespeare's plays on a Smith Corona word processor he borrowed from his good friend and mentor Adolf Hitler, who isn't really dead but lives in a shampoo bottle in Mar-a-Lago pool houses. Yeah, maybe that's a bit much. 

But her claims are even less believable. She claims she was told that Trump actually tried to grab the steering wheel from a Secret Service agent. The verb used, "lunge," he lunged. Yes, lunged, the thing my personal trainer makes me do, by holding my daiquiri out of arm's reach, about eight inches. 

JANUARY 6 HEARING: TOP 5 MOMENTS OF EXPLOSIVE CASSIDY HUTCHINSON TESTIMONY ON TRUMP, ATTACK ON CAPITOL

But yeah, Trump apparently crawled out through the back window of The Beast. The Beast, which is the codename for the presidential limo, as well as Hillary Clinton. Shuffled across the roof, then slid down in through the driver's side window to grab the wheel while screaming, "screw the guns, let Jesus take the wheel." Sounds real, right? Good thing we have a Republican there to keep it all on the up and up. I kid. 

But it's odd how Liz Cheney has become the vindictive ex-wife that Donald Trump never knew he had. She's now a screech owl with a fake serenity of a Stepford wife. Guys don't remember, "The Stepford Wives"? 

Anyway, so the people who spent four years telling you Trump was so out of shape, he that he had one foot in the grave and the other on a packet of mayo, now want you to believe he can slither around a moving vehicle like he's Jackie Chan. Still, the press inhaled the hearsay like it was parfait.

CNN: The president is in real trouble, not least for assaulting his Secret Service agent.

MSNBC: This is where I confess that I cannot recall ever having heard another example of a president trying to physically hijack his own motorcade.

CNN: To grab the steering wheel. I mean, is dangerous, dangerous act and then whatever to grab the Secret Service agent. I mean, this is beyond... That Trump was the wrong man for the job.

MSNBC: That's going to stick for a lot of people. You know, the President of the United States, you know, attacking a Secret Service agent.

Attacking! The media hasn't been this excited about an attack since, you know who? Jussie, you're back. Of course, like Smollett stinky tail, just wait it out the story comes apart like a cheese steak dropped in a hot tub. I told him it was a cheese steak.

EMILY COMPAGNO: Oh, my God. 

SOUTH DAKOTA GOV. KRISTI NOEM: Oh, gosh.

Sorry, Governor.

SOUTH DAKOTA GOV. KRISTI NOEM: Yeah.

First, our very own David Spunt, which is the past tense of spat, confirms that on background, both men implicated in this anecdote dispute the lunge, and it's not just us, NBC's Peter Alexander also says a source close to the Secret Service says, "both Bobby Engel, the lead agent, and the driver, are prepared to testify under oath that neither man was assaulted and that Mr. Trump never lunged for the... wheel." Then there's ABC's John Santucci, sources tell him the Secret Service will push back against, "any allegation of an assault" or "Trump reaching for the... wheel." Nor did he suddenly grow eight-foot rubber arms like he was in The Fantastic Four. 

TONY ORNATO DID NOT BRIEF CASSIDY HUTCHINSON THAT TRUMP TRIED TO LUNGE AT SECRET SERVICE AGENT: SOURCES

Finally, CNN admits, yes an official denied saying an agent told Hutchinson this story. Yes, even CNN. I mean, when you lose CNN, you know, you lose CNN and its remaining 12 viewers. Actually, it's one viewer, but it goes by the pronoun they. 

There's more dispute over what Hutchinson claims, something about a note she says she wrote but didn't, maybe, I don't know. We could go into it, but we'd get a more believable driving story from Paul Pelosi. It's all cloaked in overwrought theater and not even good theater like you see on Broadway, but community theater, like a play your Aunt Margaret has the lead in, Margaret. Which is why the hearing is a joke. 

It was a one-sided charade that undermines everything presented. It's why no one watches it unless it's force-fed to them by the media. They thought a heavily produced special created by an ABC producer with surprise cameos featuring people you never heard of would blow your minds. But it failed, like a remake of "The Love Boat." Even testimony from Charo can't save them. I'm old. 

Honestly, how much of this guy do you need to see? You know, if I were cynical, I'd say he's a useful idiot, a glutton for strange new respect from his temporary liberal pals. He always looks like he's about to burst into tears. What does Kinzinger mean in German anyway? Karen? 

You know, he should save that face when he gets a job driving Liz Cheney to MSNBC. Yeah, poor Liz. A fatal attraction level stalker who just can't get over President Trump. Which reminds me, Donald, hide the bunny. These references, they're so old. Mm. I get them, though, and that's all that matters. 

Fact is, the committee thought this was a slam dunk. A show trial full of secondhand accounts. Who would complain? The media? Nah, they're lapping it up like its AOC's bath water. 

Watching it reminded me of that game we played as kids, where you sat in a circle and whispered something to the person next to you until it went all the way around the circle, and by the end it was totally different than what was whispered at the start. I think it was called Spin the Bottle. 

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But that's what hearsay is, and I'm not even saying it's false. Why bother when the committee is false in the truest sense of the word? It's the big red bow on the box of corruption brought to you by the same clowns that created hoaxes for six years. It prepped hearsay, steeped in heavily produced propaganda. Seriously, I keep waiting to hear a director yell, "cut, let's do that again with a little more feeling Adam." 

And it's designed not to uncover truth, but to distract you from the real truth the crime, inflation, immigration, all the things this administration fails us on, on a massive scale. But we see through it like a condom stretched over a flashlight. I don't know how I know. But the fact is, we know Trump, we know Trump has a temper. I still remember the wedgie he gave me after I replaced his Diet Coke with Pepsi. I've never been lifted that high in my life. I'm so happy. The fact is they created a show trial but forgot to bring the show. And now their honesty is on trial. To which I say, lock them up.