Rodney Dangerfield's Famous One-Liners

A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:

Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!"'

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"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

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"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

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"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?"'

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"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

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"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

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"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

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"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

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"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

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"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."