Miller Unplugged

This is a partial transcript from Hannity & Colmes, June 27, 2003  that has been edited for clarity. Click here to order a transcript of the entire show.

SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: Now it's time for free speech segment and tonight we hear from the newest edition of the FOX News Channel, comedian Dennis Miller.

Now he's got an opinion on just about everything. He's never politically correct. He's always funny.

Let's take a look at what's on Dennis' mind this week.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

DENNIS MILLER, COMEDIAN: Hey. Get this. All week long, people have been asking me why Fox? Well, what other cable news organization would let me opine the following?

Folks, it has hit the fan in California, but luckily there will probably be no power later this summer in California to run the fan with. And you know something else? The California-Mexico border is now leakier than Mark Geragos (search) on a diuretic drip. I remember thinking that the other day as I observed a traffic jam in the illegal alien lane of the San Diego freeway.

Next stop -- simply put, it seems like a no-brainer to me and I think most of you, we need to kill all the terrorists before they can kill us. And you know something? If the phrase war on terror violates your delicate sensibilities, you're just going to have to buck it up and think of it as preemptive health care, OK?

What would Jesus drive? Well, quite frankly, I've always imagined my God would have a driver. You know, I think the real reason the ozone is shredding is because we now make everybody step outside to smoke. And by the way, I want to say thank you to all smokers in this country, because without you, we wouldn't have funding for any social programs.

You know, we have to find a way to keep you alive and smoking longer or this whole country will eventually go belly up.

What else? You know, Senator Robert Byrd's recent speeches have been so demented, I'm afraid he's suffering exhaustion from burning the cross at both ends. Let's face it, if Byrd were your grandfather and he went off on these addled tangents at Thanksgiving dinner, you'd all smile at him, and then as soon as he left the room, somebody would say, "Hey, what are we going to do about Grandpa?"

Speaking of senators, Hillary Clinton's (search) claims of marital naivete concerning her old man's metronomic indiscretions are so flimsy, the had to lay in some rebar to hold her book together. And likewise, Sid Blumenthal's twitchy, overly defensive screed is no doubt the result of his too long tenure as a lap dog in the world's busiest lap.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

And that's why Fox.

You got that? I'm Dennis Miller.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

HANNITY: What are we going to do about grandpa? Over the next few weeks and months, we'll be bringing you other commentaries from the right and from the left.

Click here to order the entire transcript of the show.

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